The Academy Awards used to be the place for one-armed push-ups, streakers and fiery rants about “Zionist hoodlums.”

The only thing that came close to controversy this past Sunday was a suspenseful near-wardrobe malfunction from Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson, who almost bore more than her soul during a Dreamgirls song medley.

As for the rest, it was squeaky clean, only slightly less predictable than expected and too long by at least an hour. At best, host Ellen DeGeneres’ effortlessly charming repartee made the reigned-in proceedings seem a little more interesting than they were.

So in honor of Hollywood’s biggest night of the year once again hitting one safely within the ballpark, I present the second annual Academy Award Academy Awards:

Funniest Moment: ABC correspondent Chris Connelly gave the cloying Billy Bush a run for his money with his obnoxious backstage blather, something Tom Hanks used for a subtly exquisite shut-down that would make Jon Stewart jealous.

Before commercial, Connelly gave a throwaway “Much more fun to come!” line to the camera, forming it into a question directed at Hanks. Grinning and not missing a beat, Hanks replies, “You bet Chris; more fun.”

Hatred and insincerity have never before been so well-masked by a smile.

Best Post-Oscar Gossip: The Internet Movie Database, the bastion of all great entertainment journalism, reported that Dreamgirls Best Supporting Actor nominee Eddie Murphy stormed out of the Oscars after losing to Little Miss Sunshine’s Alan Arkin.

Murphy had a reason to be upset — he was poised as the frontrunner to beat — and it probably hurt more when Arkin’s wooden, emotionless acceptance speech made everyone else wonder how much better his would have been.

Best Recovery: DeGeneres mistakenly said nominee Penelope Cruz was from Mexico, not Spain. She later owned up to another mistake: She incorrectly said that no-show nominee Judi Dench was away having knee surgery; she’s getting a boob job, DeGeneres deadpanned.

Best “Oh No She Didn’t!” Moment: After a show-stopping three-song medley by several Dreamgirls stars, the time came to present the Best Original Song Oscar, which went not to one of three songs from the popular musical, but Melissa Etheridge for her song from An Inconvenient Truth.

Too bad the backstage cameras weren’t on for that one.

The Ohio University Professor Richard Danner Award for Observational Irony: This year was lauded as the most culturally diverse batch of nominees in the history of the Oscars. In addition to three major movie contenders by Mexican directors, the nominees also featured seven out of 20 nominated non-American or British actors.

And the Best Picture winner was … The Departed, a movie set in Boston with an almost entirely white cast, featuring at least one virulently xenophobic lead character.

It’s unfortunate that the rest of the globe-spanning nominees can savor only the nominations.