Well, Britney's finally a woman.
After inching through her awkward "Crossroads" in-between stage, characterized by racy photo spreads and the break-up with Mr. Timberlake, Britney Spears has finally stepped over the girl threshold and into the full bloom of womanhood.
She's grown up so much that she was able to entertain us all this weekend with a classic Ross-and-Rachel stunt: a quickie marriage at a drive-through Las Vegas chapel.
The ceremony, in which Brit wed a childhood friend named Jason Alexander (unfortunately, not Seinfeld's pusillanimous George Costanza), has been chalked up to a "joke that went too far." You can sympathize with the girl: we've all let "jokes" go too far after knocking back a few too many on the Court Street strip.
The marriage, which was annulled as soon as the courts opened yesterday, started off casually. Although she donned a wedding dress to make out with Madonna at the MTV Video Music Awards, the already-former Mrs. Alexander eschewed formality and decided on a baseball cap and jeans for her first wedding. The media hasn't yet reported what the groom wore, but the Kentwood, La., native seems rather overwhelmed by his newfound fame, which will last about as long as his marriage did. "It was just crazy, man," the 22-year-old told "Access Hollywood." "And we were just looking at each other and said, 'Let's do something wild, crazy. Let's go get married, just for the hell of it.'"
Britney's erstwhile hubby looks very sweet and unassuming in the senior picture his grandma posed with on her front porch. Within hours of her grandson's wedding to the superstar, the high school photo also was circulating on the Associated Press wire.
Yes, that's right. Britney's wedding gone wrong wasn't just fodder for the tabloids, People and Entertainment Weekly. Everyone paid attention to this doozy of a screw up: the AP, the New York Times and plenty of other "serious" new organizations around the country. I suppose they've been waiting for an entertainment story that didn't involve Jacko.
Although it sounds too bungled to have been a publicity stunt, the pop princess certainly knows how to keep her name in the news. But even as a proud participant in this Britney media insanity, I have to wonder why so many people care. Walk around College Green and four out of five college students will probably tell you that she can't even sing - the "talent" for which she is most well known, since the unfortunate demise of both her acting career and that restaurant she opened in New York. And for some reason, that's enough for her exploits and misadventures to be front-page news.
We Britneyphiles are in luck, though, because the frenzy isn't likely to go away. Reuters is reporting the existence of a wedding videotape, which probably will sell to "Access Hollywood" or another silly entertainment show in the next couple of weeks. It should be circulating on the Internet by tomorrow or so, albeit probably not as widely or at such a rapid pace as the Paris Hilton sex tape - unless it's like the Pam and Tommy Lee honeymoon tape, that is.
Poor Britney. This brief first marriage will follow her for the rest of her life, even after she fades from the limelight. And if she ever really gets married, or, at least, the next time she does, just think how often you'll see the headlines "Oops, she did it again."