Every time an election rolls around in this town, local leaders and activists go on and on about how college students could turn the tide for any local candidate or ordinance if they would take time to register to vote here. And then, you know, actually vote.

For whatever reason, we never heed those calls. Some might say it’s because students are only concerned with drinking, but that’s unfair. We have many other interests, such as illicit drug use and anonymous, casual sex.

Still, our lack of involvement is almost a foregone conclusion. But what if it weren’t …

ATHENS — Life has changed dramatically for residents in this quaint, little college town on the Hocking River since Ohio University students decided to immerse themselves in local politics. Just one month ago, a younger set swept into city council, and they have already pushed to alter the status quo.

Law enforcement was their first target. Local police were instructed to set up enforcement zones to target any and all vehicles using Court Street as a drag strip. Also, any officer who had issued a noise violation prior to 1 a.m. on a weekend was fined $500 by the governing students for “totally harshing their mellow.”

But to show that the police were still needed and appreciated, the department chief was allowed to install stocks in front of the city building as punishment for anyone stupid enough to get into a bar fight, specifically anyone doing so on Court Street between West State and The Diner.

To further discourage such behavior and promote recycling at the same time, council members instructed that instead of throwing rotten fruits and vegetables, residents could bring the half-full beer cans from their porches, empty them onto the offenders and then deposit the cans in a bin at the police station.

One such offender, Irving St. Masterson, occupied the stocks yesterday. He said he understood the mistake he had made in fighting, but thought the punishment was too harsh.

“Geez, I didn’t even have this much lukewarm Beast poured on me during pledge week. Also, I’m pretty sure some people are peeing in the cans, but then again, with beer that bad it’s hard to tell,” he said.

Citing high levels of student annoyance, the council worked with the university to restrict what can be handed out at College Gate. Since the changes, all fliers have had to be attached to Tootsie Pops, and novelty-sized Frisbees were completely banned because, as Councilman Jake Glaasvengen said, “they totally suck for playing Ultimate.”

Some of the council’s measures have merely been matters of convenience for students and residents or pet projects of the various council members. All parking meters were modified to accept nickels and pennies after a unanimous vote. A coalition of four council members also banded together to help two separate interests be recognized; the resulting ordinance dictated that (a) any woman who goes out wearing three-inch heels and then complains about her feet hurting should receive no sympathy, and (b) the official City of Athens stance on cheap beers be that Pabst tastes better than Nati.

However, the council has made some missteps in its short tenure. In an indication of their lack of understanding regarding traffic flow, students pressured the council to make more Uptown streets two-way. The council relented, only to have to reverse its decision after all of Athens became a giant traffic jam.

One of the council’s first moves was to legalize marijuana. However, they re-criminalized it two weeks later when they realized that absolutely nothing was being accomplished by anyone. Local grocers were conflicted about the situation; while employee truancy went through the roof, they made three times their average annual profits on sales of Cool Ranch Doritos alone. Said Councilwoman Lucinda Irvinson, “It was certainly fun while it lasted — or maybe it wasn’t. I can’t remember.”

When the temporary legalization was over, Ping Fitness Center was forced to buy five new elliptical machines to accommodate the rush of sorority girls trying to work off all the pounds from when they had the munchies, several temporary employees were hired to clean up the fine layer of cheese dust coating the city, and the local Import House had to go back to pretending it sold tobacco paraphernalia.