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Thursday, April 17, 2008
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Like You Haven't: Covet the cute professors

Published: Thursday, April 17, 2008
Last Modified: Wednesday, April 16, 2008, 9:04:56pm

Emily Smith / Columnist / es303004@ohio.edu
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You know you’ve done it. I know I have. It happens in some lecture hall (or, if you’re lucky, in a small classroom). He’s that young, über-hot professor, and he’s probably a graduate student. The only reason you go to class is so you can sit in the front row and stare at him for two hours. And you wish you could date him (among other things).

Like you haven’t.

You know who he is. You look at comments on professor ratings Web sites and see the chili peppers beside his name; you read comments like, “Is it bad that I want him?” He is the guy who connects with a room of 200 students. If only he were looking back at you.

Unrequited love is love that cannot be reciprocated. Ohio University policy states “Ohio University forbids amorous relationships between a student and anyone having grading, advisory or supervisory authority over that student (including faculty, other instructors, teaching assistants and supervisors).” At least you don’t go to the University of California, where the school has banned all students and faculty from having romantic relationships in any form. Your dreams are dashed even before you got to practice your new name change after you marry. What should we name our two kids?

The policy cannot stop you from coveting. You may only go to class so you can mentally undress him. Wait, what did he just say? I was too busy dreaming of our honeymoon destinations: the Caribbean or Europe? I know that it’s wrong. You know that you shouldn’t. But we can’t help it! We’re all adults here and we will do what we want.

Are our thoughts inappropriate? Yes. Does our coveting hurt anyone? No.

I have decided that it’s OK to lust over your own Professor Adorable. It worked for Elizabeth and Ross on the TV show Friends. Oh wait … that is a bad example. But the bottom line is: If he gets you to go to class (or better yet, he gets you participating), then go ahead.

Professors always complain that nobody ever goes to their office hours. Now you have the opportunity to change that. Come up with something you “need” explained, and go to be in his presence. In the process, you just might learn something. It’s not like you would sit in the front row for anyone else. And if you’re really brave, you can leave an anonymous note on the bottom of his stellar evaluation you just gave him at the end of the quarter. And pray he won’t do a handwriting analysis. That would be embarrassing. Like you would care.

Professors sometimes admit they don’t feel like they’ve made a difference in their students’ lives. Change that. Tell him how motivated he made you feel, that you wanted to participate and out-perform all the other students in the class. He will never know you did so because you had an ulterior motive. If he is a grad student, you could even spike his confidence and help his transition from graduate student to Ph.D. I hear an ego trip. Regardless, everyone wins.

OU firmly says you can’t date him. And he is much too professional to ever consider breaking the policy. And your love is probably unrequited. From someone who realized there are less than two short months until she’s an alumna: just go ahead. Live it up and covet him. And maybe it will work out for you two once you graduate. Right. Like you’d ever move back to Athens. Well, maybe …

Go ahead and covet him, future Mrs. Professor Adorable. It’s innocent enough, right?

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Reader Comments

srh_bkr said on 2008-04-17 09:36:40: Quality: +1

Wow!! I just had to tell you that I have totally been there. I totally want one of my professors. You're seriously brave. Thanks for a funny read. Is this a true story?

NYEm512 said on 2008-04-17 13:17:14: Quality: -2

who doesn't want to do a prof?

Arby_n_the_Chief said on 2008-04-17 16:21:28: Quality: +0

Electra? Is that you?

Kevin_Casey said on 2008-04-19 02:26:18: Quality: +0

Does anyone here see the hypocrisy in the likelihood that, had we switched genders here--had the author been a male and the professor a female--this entire town would have flipped a car-sized shit because "women in the academic field aren't just pieces of meat", and that whole can-o-hash?

Southeastern said on 2008-04-19 23:01:12: Quality: +0

Kevin,

I agree totally with your comment. I find this column very funny, but we all know the double standard would occur in heartbeat if the author were a male discussing a female professor.

Kevin_Casey said on 2008-04-20 02:56:55: Quality: +0

I find this column, and columns like these, to be funny and refreshing and utterly HUMAN. Ms. Smith should write like this more often, as should others across the board. Everyone takes themselves so very seriously these days.

I don't understand why, by and large, men are not considered capable of visceral desire and universal respect at the same time.

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