Justin Joo

Inevitably, there comes a point in a young relationship where a man must demonstrate his love in a tangible way.  Despite his words and promises of undying affection, the man has to offer up something to his lover to show that he is taking the relationship seriously.  That’s right, dear readers; you’ve got to get the lady a gift. 

But what gift truly shows how much you care?  What item could you give to truly convey that you are dedicated to your girlfriend?  What prize would show just how thoughtful and tuned in you are to your loved one’s needs and desires?

Flowers, you say?  Clichéd!  A box of chocolates?  Cheap!  Maybe a stuffed animal?  “Stuff you!” she’ll say.

No, if you want to impress the lady, you’ve got to do something that will show you’re putting some thought into it. You’ve got to give something that symbolizes the very core of your love.

That’s right: a mixtape.

But a mixtape isn’t something you can just half-ass.  Every song must somehow represent a key moment in your relationship or express some unique thought that you have regarding your love.  Slapping on a Barry White track because it has a good “sex rhythm” isn’t going to cut it.  You got to find something that stands out.  You’ve got to make it look like this is something you put effort into.

The first thing to consider is the opening track.  It could be the most important track in the mix.  After all, it’s the first thing your snookums is going to hear.  Personally, I would go with something that captures the essence of how your relationship started.  For example, suppose your relationship started in the summer.  Obviously, the starting track should be about the summer.  If your relationship started because of a horrific incident involving a toothpaste/MONISTAT mix-up … well, you’re on your own there.

You should also have a fun track.  Got an in-joke in your relationship?  Try to find a track that conjures up the memory.  For example, suppose you called an area of no phone reception a “danger zone” as opposed to a “dead zone.”  Five words for you buddy: ”Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins. Sure, it’s not a romantic song, but it will remind your lover of that funny time that only the two of you share. 

Of course, in the process of making the ‘tape,’ there is no harm in having a little fun.  Go ahead and do something to throw her off.  After a slow, acoustic ballad, throw in a fast-paced, super track.  This doesn’t mean you should throw in Slayer’s “Raining Blood” just for laughs, but maybe a more upbeat love track, such as “All You Need is Love” by The Beatles.

Then there is the closer.  The last track has to be the final word.  It is the very epitome of your feelings for your love.  Since those feelings are different for every relationship, there is no set rule on how to handle this one.  Word of advice, though:  “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-lot is not appropriate (unless you want to end it with the fun track, which would be an acceptable moment for such a song).

Either way, the future of your relationship could depend on how well you pull this tape off; don’t screw it up.

Justin Joo is a columnist and copy editor for The Post.  If you think this column is lame and that Justin waited ‘til the last minute to write it, chastise him with an email at jj297506@ohiou.edu.