We all agree Valentine's Day isn't a real holiday. So why blow real cash on Valentine gifts? Problem solved.

Through extensive research at fine, local establishments, we have compiled a list of cheap-ass gifts guaranteed to warm the heart of even the most scrutinizing Valentine.

After we foraged the murky depths and crappy merchandise of Athens businesses, we emerged tired and hungry... but victorious. We discovered suitable gifts at several stores, but Odd Lots had the mother load.

So here you go. All the items listed below are yours, all yours, for a dollar or less. Twenty-five cheap ass gifts guaranteed to win over your sweetie and keep your wallet fat.

Let's start with the Odd Lots treasures...

1. Musical Valentine Cards (69 cents) - The cards play an intimate variety of songs to capture those intimate moments to remember, such as "Love Me Tender," "Let Me Call You Sweetheart," and "The Love Story Theme." And those cheesy silhouettes of couples kissing on the beach will remind you of those romantic feminine hygiene commercials.

2. Marshmallow Hearts (39 cents) - Tasty, and so much softer than a frat boy's heart!

3. Nylon Turner (commonly called a spatula, $1) - For those nights when your honey has been a very, very naughty boy or girl.

4. Sturdy, industrial red 100% nylon panties (by Naturelle, $1) - So full in the buttocks, yet so sexy and silky.

5. Men's cotton dress socks ($1) - Ladies, help your man step out in style. Bonus use: Pull a "Basic Instinct" and tie him to the bed. Just leave your ice pick at home. By the way, those are also a dollar.

6. What better way to spend Valentine's night than snuggling with your pookie while reading to each other from the Bedtime Bible Story Book ($1). With over one hundred illustrations, it's both sensual and spiritual.

7. If your Catholic schoolgirl is a little on the sinful side, admonish her with the gift of Heavenly Collectibles (Mary or Jesus, 99 cents each).

8. Tell your mate, "I'm stuck on you," with the gift of Secure-It transparent tape (3 rolls for 99 cents). Corny, we know, but what do you expect from a Valentine's Day article?

9. When you are too stingy to buy, or too lazy to fight for Beanie Babies (or you just don't care), Odd Lots proudly offers Bean Pets. They are 99 cents, and so what if they feel like they are filled with gravel?

10. Who are we to judge what you do in bed, you freak? We just lead you to the goods. You can pick up a scary plastic doll head for a paltry 79 cents. Do with it what you wish.

11. Want to talk your baby into a hot, sweaty round of strip poker? He or she won't be able to say "no," to a deck of high-quality Power Rangers playing cards (79 cents).

12. Your sugar booger might not be Pamela Anderson, but truthfully, who is? However, with this Beauty Set ($1), she can try to look as plastic and undead as that Playboy ho.

13. 500 piece jigsaw puzzles (99 cents) - the couple that plays together, stays together.

14. If your mate is the domestic, hostess type, he or she will smother you with affection after you give a Crystal Tea Set. The package says the set has "The look and feel of Mom's quality crystal." The 99 cent price tag will be our little secret, and who doesn't want to be just like Mom?

15. Cherry Dipper Lick (25 cents) - 'Nuff said.

16. Turkey Baster (99 cents) - So many uses, so little time.

17. Native American Style Dolls ($1) - Instead of honoring a great and noble people, give the gift of a shoddy stereotype! From headdress to loincloth, this rubber warrior is perfect for your politically incorrect bed buddy.

18. LCD Quartz Watch ($1) - If your pumpkin is the late type, this is for you. You don't need to spend a lot for precision timekeeping, and Odd Lots sells the watch to prove it.

19. The Really Useful Chinese Cookbook, by Amy Wong ($1) - The sure way to your sweetie's heart is through his or her stomach, and the sure way through his or her stomach begins with Pork Balls.

20. Rub-a-dub-dub, get your partner in the tub. Washcloths are only 50 cents each!

21. Tag your woman like a dog. Odd Lots offers a variety of costume jewelry under a buck, but our favorite is the gold electroplate accessories that spell out "BABE" in white plastic beads. The pink plastic accents are quite lovely, but there is one problem. Too small for non-anorexic ankles and too large for normal wrists, where the hell are you supposed to wear these things?

And now, other stores...

22. Hoochie Pickles (50 cents) - Hole in the Wall sells pickles bigger than the average! Pick up these gigantic pickles, and give your snookums bite after bite of oral pleasure.

23. For a limited time only, you can present your love donkey with a flame-broiled, hulking beef patty for 99 cents. Burger King calls it the "Big King," but we call it the fast food sandwich of passion.

24. Lick your baby like a postage stamp. While you're at it, buy them the real thing. Snatch them up while they're still 32 cents. I heard those assholes at the Post Office are going to raise the prices again. Plus, stamps have Bugs Bunny and actors and stuff on them.

25. Crappy CDs abound at Outer Limits! From 50 cents to a measley dollar, you can get classics such as Paula Abdul "Forever Your Girl." And those loving lyrics are as deep as the sludge on the Greenery floor. "Straight up, now tell me, do you really want to love me forever? Oh oh oh." What could express love better?

So there you go, you cheap bastards. If you choose to ignore our suggestions and you don't get lucky this Saturday, don't blame us. Romantic bliss is just a dollar (or less!) away.