The unwritten rules for concert going

It’s weird what people know. Me, I know concerts. Over the past year, I’ve seen an absurd amount of local shows, and more than 30 shows with national acts. If I’m throwing down my dollars to see a show, I want to get the most out of it. I’ll get there early. I’ll really enjoy whom I’m there to see, generally, and I’ll pay attention.

Consequently, it’s funny what you notice at shows. Just as there’s a set of societal norms, a similar set exists at shows. The funniest part is, though, that most people don’t seem to know it.

Along with a panel of esteemed experts (read: other similarly geeky concert elitists), I’ve compiled this handy list of concert rules for your perusal. Clip it out. Save it in your wallet next to that “So you just got arrested…” card. You might just need it.

1)    Hey ­ Who sings “Karma Police?” That’s right. Radiohead. Not you. Typically, most people at shows are there because it’s not, in fact, karaoke. Additionally, you’re not on the stage because you’re not in the band. Small sing-alongs are OK when they’re invited, or when they’re tiny and under your breath, but when the drunk guy behind you is belting out “Closing Time,” you just want to deck him. Don’t be that guy.

2)    In case you’re still not clear — you’re not in the band. You didn’t make the set list, and the band hasn’t forgotten what songs they sing. Therefore, they really don’t need people yelling them out. Especially if it’s not even their song, or the right title. Respect them enough to let them do their jobs, please. And that includes playing what they want.

3)    I follow a strict height tier system. Being only 5’5,” I know the pain of someone at least a foot taller directly in front of you, or the line of tall kids along the front barrier eliminating the stage view for anyone within eight people behind him or her. Sure, you might like the band more than me, but you can’t assume that. If you’re tall, take one for the team and ask the person behind you if they can see.

4)    If you leave your spot in the crowd, you will not get it back. Enough said. Additionally, you cannot beckon your six late coming friends to come stand with you in a packed house. Forget it.

5)    If you’re in a local band, the last thing the band on stage wants to receive is your free CD when it’s whipped at them like a throwing star from halfway back in the crowd. If you really think they’d dig you, drop it off after the show, and not just to get a cheap mention from the lead singer.

6)    Some shows, no rules. You’re going to get mauled. People can clap and shout whenever they want, fists flying. Others, you can sway and hold hands with strangers. Know the difference. Also, be perceptive enough to know that the person in front of you might not just be edging away from you to see the band better — but also because they can feel your breath on their neck or your ponytail in their face.

Sure, there are other things. Don’t wear the band’s shirt to the show. Don’t drink a 32-ounce beer in a moshing crowd. Don’t hold your elbows at right angles to your head. It’s not a perfect world, though. I’d like to propose a height-tier system in venues, but I know it’ll never work. For now, I’d live with never getting a sweaty back shoved in my face again, and I doubt that’s too much to ask.

— Marah, who really is not that big of a snob, can be reached at marah.eakin@ohio.edu.