Bring it on

by Bill Bender
Sports Editor

You want to lose your money, bet on Sonny.

That’s right, I’m talking to you Sonny Johnson. You ain’t no champ; you’re a chump. You have no game. I’m bringing my sports staff to The Convo tonight to show you how to play basketball.

Forget the Thrilla in Manilla. Forget the Rumble in the Jungle. When The Post sports staff comes to The Convo at 8:30 tonight, it’s our turn to shake up the world. We’re poised to attack the Bobcats. They thought Central Michigan was tough.

Sonny will be watching his team from the sidelines. We’re not just coming for him, however. To Brandon Hunter: I hope you purchased some sunglasses because you’re eyes are going to hurt when I splash down six three-pointers in your grill.

Our plans to quintuple team the two-time All Mid-American Conference forward should trigger some baskets. Hunter might have arms bigger then my head, but he’s never been guarded by Brian Minges. He’s our Antonio Gates and a playmaker at the copy desk.

We match up well. We’re not scared of Marin Bota, the seven-foot center from Croatia. You’re nothing, Bota. We’ll triple-team you with the likes of Mike Canan, our editor-in-chief, Joe Arnold and Chris Littmann, who we call “Dot Com.” Canan is going to show you who’s really boss, Bota.

The Bobcats are at a disadvantage everywhere else. I’ve got more range than Steve Esterkamp. Our coach Jim Rodgers has devised a plan to stop Zach Kiekow. Guard James Bridgewater claims to be a high-wire dunk machine. Wait till we put Johnny “Final Countdown” Kane on you, Bridge. You’re nothing.

Ohio claims to have scoring punch from its bench with players such as Jaivon Harris and Kevin Shorter. Hello, we have trash-talker Lonnie “Obnoxious” McMillan. Remember “The Microwave,” Vinnie Johnson? Obnoxious is the piston that makes our engine run. We also have state staff stud David Laber, a Kentucky native who claims to have shot a basketball at Rupp Arena. He’ll take you to the Statehouse and back, Jaivon.

When tonight’s game is over, the Bobcats are never going to forget names like Dan Horton, Blake Whitney and Tom Valentino. I might even break out the secret weapon and drag my roommate J.D. Curry to The Convo. If he gets his history studying done, you’re in a world of hurt.

Finally, the name Bender will have the same meaning to Ohio basketball fans as Laettner does to the Kentucky faithful. I really am the greatest. I’m better than you, Brandon, because I want it more. The only person who can stop me is me.

We might not win the jump ball. We might not get an offensive rebound. But if you see those Post team members on campus wearing shirts and ties today, give them a pat on the back.

Because we’re going to win. I guarantee it.

 

— Bender is a senior journalism major who predicts a final score of 70-16. You make the call on who is going to win. Send him an e-mail at post_sports@hotmail.com.