War on Evil Fraternities

by by Dan Donatelli

Because I am at times a political commentator and satirist, let us play with a political microcosm.

Roughly ten years ago, the leader of the Sigma Delta Mu fraternity propagandized his fraternity brothers into an aggressive surprise drinking game against the Kappa Upsilon Tau fraternity. Citing his brothers' need for and right to the KYT's beer, the leader of the SDMs launched the drinking game in broad daylight; ignoring the protests of the KYTs and the dissent of all other fraternities on campus as well as the Ohio University administration itself. The entire campus was in an uproar about the injustice of the actions perpetrated by a man and his followers whose only justification was the irrational claim that the KYT's beer was actually theirs, and thus had no right to it.

Eventually, the Upsilon Sigma Alpha fraternity voiced, "This aggression will not stand" and effectually launched an impressive counterstrike in defense of the KYTs. Within a relatively short amount of time the YSAs had restored the fraternity world to homeostasis.

At this time, final judgment lay in the hands of the victorious YSAs and the regulatory duty of the OU administration. Based on the philosophical principles upon which the YSAs were founded, the appropriate retribution would have been to expel the leader of the fraternity and effectually incapacitate that fraternity's ability to ever take part in unprovoked drinking games again. But, the pragmatism - the refusal to objectively declare what is good and what is evil for the university - of fraternal policy at the time, which still exists today, allowed the leader to not only stay in school, but to stay in power as head of the SDMs. The SDM fraternity was put under the watchful eye of the profoundly useless OU administration.

Ten years later a rogue individual from a nonrecognized fraternity known as an ally to the SDMs launched a drinking game on the now hubris-filled YSAs, which inspired the YSAs to declare a War on Evil Fraternities. The fundamental objective of the War on Evil Fraternities being the elimination and defeat of any fraternal order that hazes its members, silences dissent and commits acts of unprovoked drinking games against free, sovereign fraternities. The actions the YSAs are taking and plan on taking, though, have hit a snag because they have never launched drinking games save in retaliatory fashion and attacking the SDMs in response to the actions of the non-recognized ally could be seen as aggressive.

The YSAs don't want to become an aggressive fraternity but feel it's in their best interests to prevent an even worse, perhaps biological, drinking game from taking place. And even though the SDMs haven't attacked anyone in ten years, it is well-known that nearly everyone on College Street, where the SDM house is, has rejected Western Fraternal Culture and want to drink the YSAs under the table. The YSAs have found comfort in their only ally - the Iota Sigma Rho Lambdas.

Every other fraternity on campus, besides the ISPLs, does not support an attack on the SDMs. Their backs against a philosophical wall, the YSAs keep silent the thought: "It's easy to be passive when they aren't harboring outrageous animus towards YOU." The OU administration remains silent and yet judgmental on the matter.

So the big question is whether the course of actions the YSAs are planning is moral and whether it will incite the All-Encompassing Drinking Game III. This is truly a difficult question seeing as how the YSAs realize they are now quite vulnerable to the chaos of unprovoked drinking games incited by rogue, angry, nothing-to-lose fraternities and yet don't want to be seen as aggressors.

The entire fraternal spectrum is up in arms over this tragic chain of events because eventually something is going to spark and a whole bunch of people are going to get dead drunk. And nobody, it seems, wants that besides the SDMs and their allies.

Finally, my resolution to the problem: A united university-wide effort to eliminate these barbaric fraternities and the implementation of objective education in the entire fraternity system, particularly on College Street. The YSAs must show they have no vested interest in this War on Evil Fraternities besides the enlightenment and safety of former enemies.

-Donatelli is a junior journalism major with a minor in weak analogies and microcosms. He may be reached at beatpoet5@hotmail.com.